The Thread About Depression (Serious)

[The Modernist]

I always feel vaguely guilty on the few ocassions I come on here as I'm very aware that others on the board are going through far worse things than I am right now, but then these things aren't really relative are they?
Today as representative of the staff, I met with senior management to go over the procedures for redundencies and redaployment. The meeting itself was straightforward enough, but it left me feeling a bit flat nevertheless. It was results day today as well, many of my students did well and a few had nice things to say to me, thanking me and so on, but perhaps because it feels like the end of something, it didn't really lift my mood. A few different people also gave me the nod that they're interested in me doing some media teaching on the other campus. Today I was going to come home and update my cv and get on the case..but I feel so flat I can't be bothered. Neither can I be bothered to write up the minutes of the meeting I had, I'll try and do that first thing before work tomorrow morning.
I think I've got ulcers as well as I'm now sick fairly regularly after I eat something. Anyway I'm just going to read a book tonight and try to sleep. I'll probably feel much better tomorrow, these things tend not to last long with me. Moan over...

[sensi]

I always feel vaguely guilty on the few ocassions I come on here as I'm very aware that others on the board are going through far worse things than I am right now, but then these things aren't really relative are they?
Today as representative of the staff, I met with senior management to go over the procedures for redundencies and redaployment. The meeting itself was straightforward enough, but it left me feeling a bit flat nevertheless. It was results day today as well, many of my students did well and a few had nice things to say to me, thanking me and so on, but perhaps because it feels like the end of something, it didn't really lift my mood. A few different people also gave me the nod that they're interested in me doing some media teaching on the other campus. Today I was going to come home and update my cv and get on the case..but I feel so flat I can't be bothered. Neither can I be bothered to write up the minutes of the meeting I had, I'll try and do that first thing before work tomorrow morning.
I think I've got ulcers as well as I'm now sick fairly regularly after I eat something. Anyway I'm just going to read a book tonight and try to sleep. I'll probably feel much better tomorrow, these things tend not to last long with me. Moan over...

Felling any better today G?

[Minnie the Minx]

How y'all doing?

[Loveday Denime]

How y'all doing?

Well, I'm resisting the pretty stringent persuading by my team of psychiatrists to start taking Lithium. This is largely because I can't bear the thought of weight gain and not being able to drink alcohol.

[James R]

OK here. Cipramil mostly seems to be doing the job, although I have my off moments, most of which have been provided by our glorious social security service and their ho-hum behaviour. And today I don't know what the hell's been wrong with me. Fatigue is a common side effect after a stroke, but today I seem to have had it more than usual. And more mental than physical, too; trying to sum up the will (let alone the physical strength) to sit up on the couch rather than just lie on it (never mind doing anything else) has been a bit of an adventure at times. Whatever this low is the result of, I hope it's gone by the time I wake up tomorrow. I can live without the vague sense of nameless dread...

[the masked man]

I'm starting to spot warning signs. I got a little uptight in the bus queue in town, starting to feel out of place and lonely. The journey home was miserable. I think it's partly seasonal, as the weather's start to get cold. And I fear this time of year - I largely find Christmas to be an ordeal of fake jollity, and as it lasts at least two months these days, I've got a lot of attempting awkward smiles and trying to fit in to come.

I'm not as bad as I was a few years ago, when I found a mundane visit a shopping centre to be full of dread and alienation. But I'm finding myself taking things written on here personally when that's surely not how they were intended.

I think I need to learn how to sit back and relax, to regain a sense of perspective. I'm living in my head too much and that's not healthy.

[Minnie the Minx]

I'm starting to spot warning signs. I got a little uptight in the bus queue in town, starting to feel out of place and lonely. The journey home was miserable. I think it's partly seasonal, as the weather's start to get cold. And I fear this time of year - I largely find Christmas to be an ordeal of fake jollity, and as it lasts at least two months these days, I've got a lot of attempting awkward smiles and trying to fit in to come.

I'm not as bad as I was a few years ago, when I found a mundane visit a shopping centre to be full of dread and alienation. But I'm finding myself taking things written on here personally when that's surely not how they were intended.

I think I need to learn how to sit back and relax, to regain a sense of perspective. I'm living in my head too much and that's not healthy.

I think many people and many people here feel that way for some of the time. What you describe sounds like unchecked anxiety rather than depression, but then we all know what unresolved anxiety leads to if it isn't nipped in the bud.

What you mention about perspective is a good point - when you are down, it sometimes seems like the world is against you and you have vast portions of time on which to dwell on things. The last thing you need to be worrying about is a music message board where flippancy is common and text seems harsher than the spoken word.

Cut yourself some slack and know that the world isn't divided into people who are 'well' and those who are 'unwell' - people seesaw into and out of those two camps to some degree, and be thankful that you have enough self awareness to stop yourself in your tracks and take stock.

The people I worry about are those that don't acknowledge their own sadness/anxiety and think that they are on their own - I had word yesterday from a friend of mine who has always seemed like the archetypal 'coper' who threw himself into the Thames a few weeks ago, and was only rescued by cyclists. He has been an inpatient for six weeks and only got in touch today. I would never have known it was something he was even contemplating. It's something he was carrying on his own.

I compare that kind of insight as an 'immunity' - you recognise the signs so hopefully won't plummet again.

Talk, talk and talk some more - you have more understanding here than you realise.

[the masked man]

Thanks, Min. As you say, my main issue seems to be that I'm very vulnerable to anxiety, and I've seen this tendency take me on a downward spiral before to some extremely ugly places. But a few days on from this mild panic, I think I can accept that this was just a bad day, and we all have those.

Also, I think I should cut myself some slack, given that (for a couple of very obvious reasons) this year has been very hard to cope with. I wouldn't be human if this didn't affect me at all.

[Minnie the Minx]

Thanks, Min. As you say, my main issue seems to be that I'm very vulnerable to anxiety, and I've seen this tendency take me on a downward spiral before to some extremely ugly places. But a few days on from this mild panic, I think I can accept that this was just a bad day, and we all have those.

Also, I think I should cut myself some slack, given that (for a couple of very obvious reasons) this year has been very hard to cope with. I wouldn't be human if this didn't affect me at all.

Damn fucking right. Cut yourself slack, and then some!

What happened to you would devastate most of us. You need to be doing some serious head held high stuff matey boy - where you have been, few have tread.

And here you are still.

You'll be absolutely fine.

[americangirl]

Talk, talk, talk. Agreed with Minnie. I've been a member a while, though haven't posted much. I just read recent post and thought I'd put in my two cents. Recognizing anxiety for what it is is has been a huge part of my learning how to deal with it. While I take Lexapro for the basics (and it has done wonders now that I have finally learned to take it consistently), it (the anxiety) is still what I consider a part of me.

The holiday season is rough for me for a few reasons. One, I don't appreciate the cold. I'm a TEXAN! Not quite on the verge of some seasonal disorder, as everything has a disorder attached, but a little warm sun goes a long way to set things right with me. Though I've recognized that and try not to get so blue Christmas about it.

The rest for me is learning not to attach some 'belief' to an event or a time. Life happens to us all; things falling through, miseries, good things, great things. I'm learning to take them all in stride. From a conversation to a relationship. It is all a work in progress. Beautiful life. With that, I know I can bring more great than morose. It's not easy, but I believe and I experience that true joy can be had with work at change of my perspective.

I wish all of you BCBers the merriest of holiday seasons! Cheers!

[sloopjohnc]

It has been an interesting two year ride with our little guy. We started noticing pretty severe anxiety two years ago which began a year and a half journey into finding out what was wrong. He was tested multiple times for autism, Asberger's, along with the anxiety. Two years later, he's adjusting to school and I think the whole thing stems from his anxiety. He's on a small dose of Celexa, and while he has his moments, it has done wonders in letting him cope in the rest of his life with school and such. For a seven year-old, there are lots of new situations that can cause a kid to have anxiety: the first day of school, doing things for the first time, learning how to do things that require practice.

My point is, because I've never had to deal with myself, is how anxiety, and I'm sure it's true with depression too, affect almost all other aspects of life. I get anxious too in certain situations, but can control it. It's interesting to see someone who can't even though he knows better. I've seen certain situations with my son where he knows when the anxiety is hitting but can't do anything about it. He's even commented on it like he's looking outside himself, but realizes he's unable to do anything to stop it.

[Fired Plug]

I've just made myself read through this thread after deliberately avoiding it since I first saw it. I'm not as brave as some of you, so I'm not going to spill my guts all over the board, but suffice to say that I haven't been well for a while and my notions of toughing it out and battling through are simply not working. I've booked a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I don't know how much use it'll be, as I doubt my ability to express myself in Spanish to the level required for effective counselling or therapy, but I have nothing to lose by trying at this point. Thanks to you all for your honesty on here and for helping me see through my stubbornness and misplaced pride on this issue.

[Minnie the Minx]

I've just made myself read through this thread after deliberately avoiding it since I first saw it. I'm not as brave as some of you, so I'm not going to spill my guts all over the board, but suffice to say that I haven't been well for a while and my notions of toughing it out and battling through are simply not working. I've booked a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I don't know how much use it'll be, as I doubt my ability to express myself in Spanish to the level required for effective counselling or therapy, but I have nothing to lose by trying at this point. Thanks to you all for your honesty on here and for helping me see through my stubbornness and misplaced pride on this issue.

You've made the first and most important step in acknowledging it, and you will get better.

Lots of good thoughts winging your way.

[Diamond Dog]

So if you've just had an event in your life that makes you consider "Why the fuck am I here?", does that count as the first alarm bell?

[Clint Planet]

So if you've just had an event in your life that makes you consider "Why the fuck am I here?", does that count as the first alarm bell?

Could be. Especially since that's the way you've chosen to consider it.

[Diamond Dog]

So if you've just had an event in your life that makes you consider "Why the fuck am I here?", does that count as the first alarm bell?

Could be. Especially since that's the way you've chosen to consider it.

Well, I have an inate fear of melodrama. And I have an more exaggerated fear of any form of counselling, psycho analysis etc? But I have just never felt quite as low as I do right now. Outwardly, I'm not too bad. Inwardly, I'm racking my brains thinking "What did I do wrong?" and (because I cannot find a rational answer, besides possibly my temper) I'm beginning to really dislike myself for being such a mug, and not being able to control my outbursts.

How the hell does one go about getting counselling for anger management?

[moonie]

Well, I have an inate fear of melodrama. And I have an more exaggerated fear of any form of counselling, psycho analysis etc? But I have just never felt quite as low as I do right now. Outwardly, I'm not too bad. Inwardly, I'm racking my brains thinking "What did I do wrong?" and (because I cannot find a rational answer, besides possibly my temper) I'm beginning to really dislike myself for being such a mug, and not being able to control my outbursts.

How the hell does one go about getting counselling for anger management?

In my experience, a therapist can generally refer you to classes and those, combined with sessions with the therapist, can help you work through what's going on. I think the most that I've gotten out of therapy was that I learned what my triggers are and how to either avoid or control them, depending on what they are. In my experience, a good therapist just listens and lets me work it out. Being in a session has never been what I'd consider melodramatic. I've found them to be a place of solace, though I will admit to crying like a baby when I've had to work though some tough stuff. That was probably the most cleansing experience of my life, actually. I hadn't cried about anything up to being in therapy (and I didn't get there until I was in my mid-twenties).

[sloopjohnc]

We have my son in therapy for his anxiety, which can trigger anger. The problem is is that while he's great with the therapist, he doesn't want to deal with her suggestions outside her office. He has a perfectionist streak tied to his anxiety and doesn't like being corrected by others. I think that happens because he's so hard on himself, he doesn't like being criticized by other people, especially in front of other people, especially his peers. That's hard because he doesn't have a real grasp on appropriate social situations.

Just last week, he wanted to have his pencil sharpened perfectly for a class lesson, but the teacher told him his pencil was sharp enough already. It really bugged him, because in his eyes he wanted to do the best job he could, but the teacher was preventing that to happen. To top it off, when he's angry, he presses harder on his pencil making it break. Before he started seeing someone, this would have set him off, but I think the combination of getting older and finding solutions for himself are helping.

What the therapist is trying to make my son do regarding his anger is to recognize it when it starts happening and use certain solutions for himself. Reason being: He has to learn that he has to change because the people he deals with everyday aren't going to.

When I write these posts, it's always hard for me to believe that a 7-year old can have these kind of problems, but if I really think about it, I remember getting upset by some really stupid stuff that I predicted in my head might happen.

[Count Machuki]

Interesting NYT article about the supposed upside of depression here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magaz ... -t.html?em

[Count Machuki]

I'm feelin' it again.
Big time.
I might need to go back on the medicine.