elizabeth erin, the beezle

[Guy E]

but if the question is, am i ever gonna get over this? well, no. there's always gonna be a hole deep inside of my soul created by her absence.

She will be in your thoughts every day for the rest of your life. A death does not diminish the breadth of one's family.

[kath]

but if the question is, am i ever gonna get over this? well, no. there's always gonna be a hole deep inside of my soul created by her absence.

She will be in your thoughts every day for the rest of your life. A death does not diminish the breadth of one's family.

you are right. i'm a true believer in it, too. i have been all my life. when my brother died, i was all about "nay, sir, we are four." then i had a dream about him that completely changed the way i thought about his death, making it all the easier and more natural for me to believe. after my ma died, i took to talking to her all the time, regardless. i still talk to her, everyday. i do believe that people live on, we make it so, we decide we are not diminished. i feel that way about elizabeth. she's always gonna be here, with me.

the hard part, of course, is remembering to live by it and not let myself sink into the pit of self-pity. self-pity, becuz i am the one missing her and everything about her. there is still a side of me trying to come to terms with the fact that i'lll hear the phone ring and it won't be her. (she used to call me every other day. i still have silly messages of hers on my answering machine, the last one, with various underwater sound effects courtesy her, chi chi and sam, live from a sushi place. they all know i hate sushi. hence their glee at underwater sound effects. no respect, really.) i won't feel the hug, see her beaming at me while i'm cooking for her, hear her gettin all in my face when we're shooting pool, read all her emails with youtube recs and paper drafts. i know it is an entirely selfish thing, entirely me-oriented, but i just can't help it sometimes, no matter how much i buy into whatever philosophy. maybe it's just all so close and i need the distance of time.

in all honesty, there's lil i hate more than falling into that pit of self-pity. i hate myself when i do that. (i hate others when they do that, especially when they try to use 'feel sorry for me' as some kinda manipulative weapon. the last people i'm ever gonna feel sorry for on this earth are the people who demand that i feel sorry for them. ptooey.) overall, self-pity has got to be the most vile, foul thing there is. well, ok, there are worse things, abuse of others, cruelty, self-righteousness, humorlessness, stepping into ant piles barefoot, y_ms, BTO, etc... but i still hate it and what it turns me into: a useless, counterproductive, negative, juvenile, self-centered, whiny, spineless bitch of a thing (she says, sucking thumb and hugging picture of herself.)

i also have no delusions that there will be harder parts to come, as i was telling someone privately. ya know how it goes. all this chaos is gonna die down. the ruckus will fade out. the world is gonna keep spinnin, the sun is gonna keep rising, people will move on becuz that's what people do... and i'm still gonna be sitting here, without my beezle. the temptation for wallowing will be strong. fucque that.

it helps to know that i have luvved ones around me who are in much worse shape than i am and who really need me. even though i can't quite get my philosophy and my reality to line up exactly yet, i *can* force myself out of the poor widdle me zone by focusing on those close to me in really shaky shape. (more of that babble ahead). and even though i miss her so intensely, i've been talking to her just like i talk to my ma. some folk may think i'm the queen of denial or just plain stark-raving when i do it, but the truth is probably the opposite. my talk thing is probably more of a sign of my accepting reality than anything else.

not that i'm not stark-raving for other reasons. you understand.

[Minnie the Minx]

in all honesty, there's lil i hate more than falling into that pit of self-pity. i hate myself when i do that. (i hate others when they do that, especially when they try to use 'feel sorry for me' as some kinda manipulative weapon. the last people i'm ever gonna feel sorry for on this earth are the people who demand that i feel sorry for them. ptooey.) overall, self-pity has got to be the most vile, foul thing there is. well, ok, there are worse things, abuse of others, cruelty, self-righteousness, humorlessness, stepping into ant piles barefoot, y_ms, BTO, etc... but i still hate it and what it turns me into: a useless, counterproductive, negative, juvenile, self-centered, whiny, spineless bitch of a thing (she says, sucking thumb and hugging picture of herself.)

Sweetheart.

There is self pity, and there is self pity. There is endless moaning about ones lot to gain emotional response and goodness, we have all met those people in our lives. Like you, I find it a loathsome trait and like you, when feeling sorry for myself I prefer to keep problems in or make light of them so that I feel I am not 'slipping in' to that role.

If ever there was a time, kath, for you to do whatever the fuck you please in terms of what you say and to who, whether you want to howl at the moon or dance on the lawn, whether you need to wake up people in the small hours or bake a thousand fucking cakes, this is it. No bastard on the face of this planet is going to say oh god, there goes kath again revelling in it, and you cannot let the fear of what other people might think stop you from doing whatever you need to. Even more importantly, you must not feel you are letting yourself down by behaving in a way alien to you. It's alien to you because you possess a lovable personality and normally like to soldier on without sharing your misery with folks. The situation you are in is by no means normal. Expect extraordinary things, extraordinary emotions, and do whatever you feel is right.

[sloopjohnc]

Ya know, I saw my dad and my father-in-law do and feel really weird things when their respective wives of 40+ years died. One died suddenly and one over a lingering illness. It didn't make a difference.

Having seen that with both guys, it made me think how sometimes people just can't take the gushes of emotions that happen when a partner, family member or loved one really close to them dies. It's just too much to take in at one time.

I know what you're sayin' about self-pity, but I saw both guys deny feelings they had, or try to restrict them, and it made them way way loonier.

Interestingly, my dad who's much more outgoing and gregarious, did way better in dealing with it because he sought the advice of widower friends on where to go from here?

I think outlets are good, I guess.

[kath]

If ever there was a time, kath, for you to do whatever the fuck you please in terms of what you say and to who, whether you want to howl at the moon or dance on the lawn, whether you need to wake up people in the small hours or bake a thousand fucking cakes, this is it. No bastard on the face of this planet is going to say oh god, there goes kath again revelling in it, and you cannot let the fear of what other people might think stop you from doing whatever you need to. Even more importantly, you must not feel you are letting yourself down by behaving in a way alien to you. It's alien to you because you possess a lovable personality and normally like to soldier on without sharing your misery with folks. The situation you are in is by no means normal. Expect extraordinary things, extraordinary emotions, and do whatever you feel is right.

these are wonderful words. i think i need to print them out and stick em in a place i'll see all the time... my bathroom mirror... the fridge door... the side of my monitor... on one of the cats. somewhere.

letting myself truly lose it in whatever way, shape or form is hard for me. i've spent almost my entire life being the emotional anchor / advisor / counsellor / support / therapist / cheerleader for everyone around me.... family members, even when i was young. friends, lovers, kids, students, whatever. i've done it for so long that it's a given. even when i get to those points in my life where i might need someone to take over that role for me and be my emotional support, almost no one around me is accustomed to it and sometimes they can't even recognize it.

i said "almost" no one. the exceptions to the rule: reap and elizabeth.

reap is the greatest man on this planet, and he has tried on more than one occasion to tell me the kinda stuff you've posted. but reap is particularly sensitive and shaky when it comes to death, especially the death of his beluvved beezle, and if anyone defines soldiering on, it's reap. he has his times, naturally, when he loses it. gavin is the hardest hit of all. i am around one, the other or both 24/7. i feel a very strong need for self-control, if only for their sakes. cuz i know what the effect would be if i were to, say, start screaming at the top of my lungs or start climbing on the roof just so i can throw all my dishes off, one by one, and relish that sound of breaking glass. it may make me feel better temporarily, but it would freak them out beyond all freaking and rattle them to the very core. they do not need this or deserve this right now. that must be a consideration.

BUT it's not the only thing to consider. whatever my deal is with feeling beholden to whomever, emotionally... whatever restraints my normal self has erected over time, i do know i'm gonna hafta take care of myself, however i may manifest it, and give myself a fucquin break about it. i need to keep yer post in mind. right about now, i tell ya... that thousand fucquin cakes thing sounds pretty fucquin good.

::smack::

[kath]

I know what you're sayin' about self-pity, but I saw both guys deny feelings they had, or try to restrict them, and it made them way way loonier.

Interestingly, my dad who's much more outgoing and gregarious, did way better in dealing with it because he sought the advice of widower friends on where to go from here?

I think outlets are good, I guess.

i appreciate this, as well.

i think it might behoove me at this juncture to point out something: do keep in mind that "keeping it in" for me is, well, a very relative concept.

i am not really the keep-it-all-in type. in fact, if i tell reap that someone has described me this way, he is likely to lose an innard or two, just from laughing.

the idea that i need to let loose without fear of how my beluvveds would react is a point very well-taken. i need to be flexible enough to allow myself whatever outlets i need. but the main reason yer sittin there reading my thousands upon thousands of words in my bloggy parts is becuz i can't really keep it in, and babbling is a primary part of my self-therapy. do you see my distinction? i don't think i'm as repressed about all this stuff as i am... careful, especially when looking at how my beluvveds are coping.

letting my emotional guard completely down.. well, that's another thing entirely and would no doubt involve unhealthy amounts of tequila, with some happy pills on the side for good measure.

[Minnie the Minx]

Without wishing to become mawkish kath, I was listening to this today (as I love it) and I saw the video for the first time today, and the first thing I thought of was beez.

(skip the ad)

[youtube]QGJuMBdaqIw&ob=av2e[/youtube]

[sloopjohnc]

i am not really the keep-it-all-in type. in fact, if i tell reap that someone has described me this way, he is likely to lose an innard or two, just from laughing.

the idea that i need to let loose without fear of how my beluvveds would react is a point very well-taken. i need to be flexible enough to allow myself whatever outlets i need. but the main reason yer sittin there reading my thousands upon thousands of words in my bloggy parts is becuz i can't really keep it in, and babbling is a primary part of my self-therapy. do you see my distinction? i don't think i'm as repressed about all this stuff as i am... careful, especially when looking at how my beluvveds are coping.

letting my emotional guard completely down.. well, that's another thing entirely and would no doubt involve unhealthy amounts of tequila, with some happy pills on the side for good measure.

One of the things I was thinking about the last coupla weeks is if I was going to have to read a book on losing a parent, a sibling, or a child, I'd want to read one from you.

At some point, you are probably going to have to the guard down, for some kind of self-preservation. I'm no psychologist, and probably need one myself, but you probably think you are preserving your sanity by not letting it down where it builds up to where you can't take it.

On the other hand, as most on here would agree, I think you're doing an unbelievable job. Do what you have to do.

[Charlie O.]

One of the things I was thinking about the last coupla weeks is if I was going to have to read a book on losing a parent, a sibling, or a child, I'd want to read one from you.

I keep thinking that, too!

[kath]

Without wishing to become mawkish kath, I was listening to this today (as I love it) and I saw the video for the first time today, and the first thing I thought of was beez.

(skip the ad)

[youtube]QGJuMBdaqIw&ob=av2e[/youtube]

sniffff.

yes.

[kath]

At some point, you are probably going to have to the guard down, for some kind of self-preservation. I'm no psychologist, and probably need one myself, but you probably think you are preserving your sanity by not letting it down where it builds up to where you can't take it.

yer probably right. reap will finally make his trip to utah next week. gavin will have his usual work shifts and whatnot. i have a feeling that once i am alone, off the emotional clock however piecemealed, i may see some kathish crap have its 'out'.

i was around scads of folk in new orleans, and i have my guys here, but in the car on the highway back, in goji no less, when i didn't have anyone around me? yeah, i was lettin it out. in a major way. i got so worked up, i kinda reverted back to teen kath in a way, before i was ever a ma or ever had any emotional strings or ever suffered from that thing known as maturity, raw, releasing it all, from myself to myself for myself and fucque everybody else. there was a moment in the middle of it all, as i was tearing up the highway doin 90, i saw a cop semi-concealed under an overpass between the sides of the highway, waiting for his chance to peg speeders. i didn't take my foot off the pedal. i dared that cop to pull me over, at max volume (although my language was just a shade on the more colorful side.) i really didn't care if he pulled me over or not. if he had, i'm pretty sure i'd've ended up in the back of his car and on the way to some locked up area, i was so far gone in that mode and ready to vent. i honestly don't think i could've reeled myself back in and got my guard back in place, in time to play nice citizen. but he didn't pull me over. he must've been eating lunch.

there *was* a time in my life when i let loose in ways that ended up being arrestable. it's still all there, my personality from back then, however buried it may be. let's just hope i don't go find some guy in platform shoes just so i can break a painting over his head.

[kath]

One of the things I was thinking about the last coupla weeks is if I was going to have to read a book on losing a parent, a sibling, or a child, I'd want to read one from you.

I keep thinking that, too!

very kind of y'all to say.

(she looks back over her entries in this thread)... wait. you mean ya haven't read a book already?

winkwink.

[sloopjohnc]

there was a moment in the middle of it all, as i was tearing up the highway doin 90, i saw a cop semi-concealed under an overpass between the sides of the highway, waiting for his chance to peg speeders. i didn't take my foot off the pedal. i dared that cop to pull me over, at max volume (although my language was just a shade on the more colorful side.) i really didn't care if he pulled me over or not. if he had, i'm pretty sure i'd've ended up in the back of his car and on the way to some locked up area, i was so far gone in that mode and ready to vent. i honestly don't think i could've reeled myself back in and got my guard back in place, in time to play nice citizen. but he didn't pull me over. he must've been eating lunch.

Most of you guys don't know me except for here so it's kinda hard for you to picture this, but I'm a pretty easygoing guy most of the time. Most of my really old, good friends tell me that if I get really mad about something, it's gotta be pretty big because I don't really get hyped up about stuff.

Anyhoo, your story reminds me of the time Derek was in the hospital as I mentioned before and I called my boss for the first time about what happened and how I'd have to kinda rearrange my schedule because things had changed.

The dumbshit started talking about some project I was doing at work and I totally lost it on him. I think my exact words were, "Peter, I don't give a fuck about your fucking projects because I don't even know if my son is going to be fucking alive tomorrow."

I think he got the message.

[sloopjohnc]

One of the things I was thinking about the last coupla weeks is if I was going to have to read a book on losing a parent, a sibling, or a child, I'd want to read one from you.

I keep thinking that, too!

very kind of y'all to say.

(she looks back over her entries in this thread)... wait. you mean ya haven't read a book already?

winkwink.

I'd hate to have to be the editor who chooses the book jacket excerpts, let me put it that way.

Which one to pick?

[never/ever]

letting myself truly lose it in whatever way, shape or form is hard for me. i've spent almost my entire life being the emotional anchor / advisor / counsellor / support / therapist / cheerleader for everyone around me.... family members, even when i was young. friends, lovers, kids, students, whatever. i've done it for so long that it's a given. even when i get to those points in my life where i might need someone to take over that role for me and be my emotional support, almost no one around me is accustomed to it and sometimes they can't even recognize it.

*sigh*.

That is exactly to the letter me.
The worst part is that if you in a single moment let go of your barriers and let your tears flow it just shocks the hell out of people.

[kath]

{note: i put this up on facebook last night. i was gonna put it up here, too, but i couldn't access the damn board at the time. it's about rating someone's death date. the lennon thing brought it to mind. i'll get to the beezle in the end.}

intermission: ahh, busy with ten tons of crap. i am okay, though. sometimes even ten tons of crap can serve a purpose.

but i wanted to say something, in a fly-by kinda way: i have a certain belief i hold dear, one i've had for a very long time, most of my life, at least for the last 31 years (obviously, it's an idea having nada to do with the beezle's death per se, although the indirect application... applies. yeah.*) some of ye may even recall my yapping about this idea before, online or off. here it is:

marking the day of a person's death as the appropriate time for remembrance, for memorializing, for tribute, of that person's life is misguided to the point of murder by contradiction. it's kinda like celebrating michelangelo by holding a lil paint-it-black-by-numbers session on the ceiling of the sistene chapel... for the sake of michelangelo. um, yeah.

i don't buy it. i don't like it. i never have. if you wanna celebrate someone and remember that person aright, you do it by marking the day of that person's birth. why? becuz when a luvly, groovy being makes his or her debut on the planet earth and thus begins that life worth memorializing, it represents exactly when we were all lucky enough to experience that life. to mark someone's day of passing, in my opinion, is to put the focus on the period that ends everyone's sentence, the common denominator of us all, and as such, the least important, least relevant point in the whole fucquin thing. not only does it, in its way, bury the point of the person, or at the very least wipe out any notion of celebration, it leaves the emphasis in the lap of death and especially in the manner of death. if that person happened to be taken out, say, by some flagrant psychotic nutjob, then the stress, ironically enough, ends up being on the alleged power of said psycho nutjob. (more ironically, this may be precisely what said nutjob would want.) but even without such drama, the point remains the same.

however i die, whenever i die, the last thing i would ever want is for someone to consider my death date as important. to tell ya the truth, the only thing that would be more fucqued up would be for someone to decide to name a fucquin overpass after my ass. my legacy: a piece of cement, as pure as the driven over five trillion times a day by every crap car ever made. yippeee.

*i reckon the beezle connection is obvious, meaning i'll talk about it anyway. my above belief is the reason i agreed with the exhole on the wrongwrongwrongness of his geology dept wanting to honor her by donating to a suicide awareness fund.

on date fixation: the remembrance cards for the service had elizabeth's death date as november 19. we assumed the funeral home guy, mr. rick, got this date off the paperwork from coroner's office. technically, it is pretty clear that she died on november 18. we were unable to tell where the snafu originated, as we have not received the death certificate yet.

this discrepancy freaked out chi chi and the exhole. when they asked me what i thought about it, i told them the truth: i really don't give a fastidious, finicky fucque which date appears officially. it doesn't matter to me one lil tiny bit. there is no real difference in one day or the next. my family seemed so shocked over my attitude. they insisted that having the correct date was essential, especially for the tomb inscription. they insisted we had to have the right date in order to honor her on the proper day. i told em that i already had the proper date to honor her, september 22.

so now they think i'm crazy / crazier. mind ya, i *did* tell em both that i would go along with whatever the hell they wanted, date-wise. have ya ever noticed how easy it is to defer to other family members when it's a subject you don't give a fastidious, finicky fucque about? and people say maintaining family harmony is so hard.

[toomanyhatz]

As Bill Cosby once said, rat own, rat own, rat own.

[kath]

As Bill Cosby once said, rat own, rat own, rat own.

ummm. well, sure. thanks, maybe. the only cosby standup i remember: when as a lil kid, he thought he and his brother were named jesus christ and gotdammit. (dad to kid bill: "gotdammit, get in here." kid bill: "nooo, dad... i'm jesus christ!!")

i have never owned a rat. i *did* own an albino hamster named charlie when i was a kid. one day, charlie's cheeks got so puffy they looked like they were gonna explode. i made my brother john walk a mile to the vet, with charlie, for emergency hamster-saving activity. just imagine my surprise when i found out that cheek-stuffing was a normal thing for hamsters, even albino ones. better yet, just imagine how pissed off my brother was. oh yeah. his cheeks turned red. that always happened whenever i infuriated him.

[Quaco]

"Revenge" was a good one too. I think Cosby's best work is I Spy though!

[beenieman]

i told em that i already had the proper date to honor her, september 22.

My wife's birthday.